Dear Rowan and Rohan,
My dear sweat boys, I love you with all my heart.
I hope that one day when you can read this; you find it in
good health having been safe. I fear the worst but I do my best not to or to at
least try not to think about it. Perhaps one day, you will know that isn’t
possible and why. It is part of being your mother.
I love you with all my heart and no matter what anyone may
or may not tell you, I did everything that was asked of me and more. Sometimes
good doesn’t win and people who do what they should, lose. I learned this young
and I hope with all my heart this is the last time this lesson ever touches
your life.
I wanted to raise you not knowing that good people could lose
against bad people but… I also wanted to raise you to live with integrity and
honor as my mother did me.
I love you, with all my heart.
I have decided to write to you, and put it where I know there
is the hope you will one day get it. Many people, have had things sent or left
in the care of others for their children who are taken like you were, and like
the people who have you as I’m writing this, they don’t like to be reminded you
have a family and aren’t orphans. I myself am not sure why but, sometimes
people are like that, and yes, it does hurt other people but… sometimes people
can be very selfish. I hope with all my heart, you find the road that is
hardest to tread but the most good to walk. Doing what it right, what is good,
is not always the right thing, in fact I find it almost never is easy at all.
Please, I hope you will know these lessons well and live to be honorable people
who know the value of life and of family.
To my mother, family was everything, her children above the
rest. To me, it is the same. Not because it was for her, but because this is
what I feel inside my heart. Perhaps one day, you will have children of your
own and know this feeling. It is a great hope that what has happened to us now,
does not befall you as adults with children of your own, as it did with me. I
was one of those children who grew up and looked for answers. The system is far
from perfect and hurts a lot of innocent people, men, women, and children just
like you are now and like I was then.
I do not post anything publicly to as this one lady told me the
judge would take it as if it ever got to them “exploit”.. how its exploitation I
haven’t got the foggiest idea since people who speak up pay a price far too
high, to give their children even the faintest hope of knowing the truth one
day. I don’t know a single person who has ever done it for anything but for
that.
Rowan, I will never forget the first time I held you, any
moment we had. I love you. Rowan, you were a loud baby and cried a lot more
than most do, however you were also a great joy. The greatest id ever had to up
to those moments, and then… how can I explain that I love you both the same?
You Rowan tried to run before you could walk, to walk before you could stand,
and it always seemed my heart jumped up in my throat several times a day. As
you got older, it was more than worth it, you were a big boy with an even
bigger heart. I still remember when you tried to “help” me while I was
cleaning. You kept on trying not to nap, and I could only get you to when I myself
pretended to nap. Truth is, I wanted to spend time with you being a good mother,
so I did most of the cleaning when you were napping then again… I have a
feeling that caught on at some point. Just like I did as a little girl, you as
a little boy, refused to nap and wanted to help.
Rohan, I do not even know how to explain and I want you to
know, I love you. Rohan, I will never forget the first time I held you, or any
moment we had. I still remember when you and your brother got together and
figured out the baby gate. A whole new level of heart attacks. I started
putting them up double just to give me the safety of knowing I would without a
doubt get to you two before you got the baby gate knocked down, and even if you
did, the other one would catch it so you and your brother wouldn’t get hurt. You
were much smaller than your brother was, and hardly cried at all. Where your
brother was physically stronger and built stalky, you were not. My brother,
your uncle is built the same way, so I now understand how our mother felt. I
was always afraid you would get hurt trying to copy your brother, much worse
than he was. You crawled and walked and then ran. You were a patient baby,
something id never seen before in my entire life, and I used to volunteer for
years in a church nursery. You started talking before your brother, though,
when you and your brother were taken you refused to vocalize. It was so strange
for me to hear. You weren’t loud or boisterous like your brother but… you were
very chatty.
I want you both Rowan and Rohan to understand, I love you
both with all my heart. The good and the bad times, through everything. Through
the toughest days to the easiest days, no matter what.
I will never stop fighting, so in this I will impart to you
an important lesson. ‘Only when you give up, do you truly lose’. It may take
years, but I will see you again. Unfortunately the courts and cps like to delay
anything accept severing rights and snatching children. Anything that could
possibly reunite a family its like pulling teeth.
Everything I do every day, I do for you. Even now.
One day, I don’t want you to find yourselves lost finding
answers should you ever want them, and I do not want the secrecy to hurt you as
it has so many others. I also want, a world in which you will not be a target,
a world where we would have been together instead of ripped apart.
If you do not like something about the world, change it. If
someone is hurting someone, stop them. If you can help someone, help them. I
hope with all my heart, you learn the valuable lessons my mother taught me.
And if anything ever happens to me, as it often does to
people who advocate and keep fighting cps, I want you to know, I love you and
to at least have something to find, something left behind for you from me.
I love you more than I can say Rowan, Rohan... for you are both my dear suns moons
and stars
Love Mom
