12/23/2013

I was once like that old friend i saw, someone who was once part of my inner circle of people close to me...

i saw her this past week, so over medicated she couldn't walk straight. literally. it was so bad i ran into after the fry's had called the paramedics because it was so bad. their was no way that could be considered ethical, but she is far from the only person that has happened to.

It happened to me. A long time ago. Seeing her like that shook me in a way i cannot explain. not only because it hurt to see her like that and i wish i could do something for her but she couldn't even tell me how or what to do it was so bad or even give me a number to call to check on her or an address. nothing. i remember a time she was not like that. a time she was relatively normal. I hate whoever did that to her. a beautiful and kind woman so over medicated she can't even walk straight or string a sentence together that makes sense. i mean... its bad. she can hardly even basically communicate. barely understand. i remember, she used to be intelligent. if they ever help her, if anybody ever gets through to get her help, she has a long road on recovery and i hope our paths cross again. may i be able to hold her hand and help her find her way as she once did for me so long ago.

Speaking of the past. you know, she was with me at a time when i was just in the stages of recovering and adjusting. their are still entire parts of my life i am missing, because this happened to me. growing up. as a child. as a teen. Their is a year i cannot really make too much sense of. at least i can kind of grasp it better than so many before it.

Remembering that past, before someone heard me, before things were fixed. I was so over medicated that i was barely holding onto my own name. I just numbly went along with just about anything i was told to believe.

their is this year though, that i want to remember. i cannot though and i don't know if remembering it will be a good thing.

I was eighteen, went to college and dropped out because i was unable no matter how hard i tried to do college math. i had no help despite that the college promised such upon admission. these things i know from paperwork and snippets of memory. its foggy as best as i can explain it. i know some things. like... i smiled a lot. their were people i would have gone to the ends of the earth for. i remember that. i remember the game Wow, and smiling more than i ever had in my entire life up to that point, i remember crying and the threats of grandmother against those people. crying and wanting to be closer to them but being afraid they would die like my papa. I remember someone with this oddly annoying but endearing nickname for me. "crazy christian girl" which is odd. you know... i know i went along with a lot because i was told to, but... i have never been christian and this is a person i know feels in my memory, close. one of the closest. trying to remember that, i am not sure in my heart if i want to. purhaps remembering will hurt. it often does. its like something on the tip of your tounge. i thought you know, i saw one of those people a while back, a person i kinda sorta have some recollection of. the person felt familiar but... i didn't know, couldn't know. its like that old friend of mine, who barely even recognized me as someone she knew. she didn't even remember my name. accept mine is reversed. that is part of what i had to adjust to. my past, much of it is still missing and much of what i remember doesn't make sense. things from before i was over medicated are clearer than those years, even from when i was a little girl. i mean... even the day my dad died is a crisper memory, clearer, and i was three years old. as an adult those memories are by no means clear accept in snippets. its hard for an adult mind to conceive the perception of such a small child like that, but its harder for the sane mind to understand and comprehend the memories of someone who was basically repeating what was being said to her by someone else. did i even know what was going on? Part of me wants to remember, the other part feels i know... something will hurt. something i lost maybe? i don't know... i just know their was something in that time i saw as important enough to brave grandmother and it isn't with me. thats about it. a sane mind with the memories of an insane person. that is my life. you have no idea how much trouble i had sorting it all out. finding what was true and what was not. the things about my grandmother were true, i just kept on for the longest time repeating what she said and the only thing i could say for the longest time was "grandmother doesn't love me". my capacity for conscious thought was limited, and it was easy to brainwash or trick, and... i cannot even begin to explain. i don't really remember well, how to even comprehend it to even explain it.

cps... they set that in motion when i was six years old. when mom got us back she stopped it, protected me and my brother, but... when she died cps got involved and said i was to go to my grandparents and not my godmother. my grandmother liked attention, especially from 'raising such a troubled child', oddly she didn't really show me off when i accomplished something. just... she seemed to only enjoy and bask in the attention from me being 'sick'. she made me sick to begin with, and used cps's own lies to cover their goddamned ass when i was little, to make me easier to handle and stop kicking and screaming to go home to mom and my brother... anyway... she used what they did as her opening to make my life hell. i lived in terror every day. it took a long time you know... to sort it out.

I have to live with it, though my aunt sherry has no idea how deeply it cuts when she says "your crazy. that never happened" because it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that not everything in my past was insanity of my own mind being on the medications that caused it. Much of it was real and it was grandmother. it was lonely too. like i was always so cold. so lonely. like not any amount of blankets could make the cold go away from inside my heart. that is what it felt like to not be loved. people would say "your grandmother loves you" but... i knew she didn't. if she had loved me, that would not have happened. if she had loved me, she would have at least tried for me. she would not have taken so much pleasure in my tears or made so much effort to do the things she did. she would have never used what cps did as her weapon to wield against my life until i signed paperwork at eighteen after some things happened. it was after i tried to kill myself. i think? i think that was after that bit as well. i am not sure... i think so though. i think i went to culinary school before i was a waitress. that is what i had written down anyway.

She was still making my life a living hell at that point. I didn't write much during that time. i must have felt pretty safe wherever i was during that time from the snippets and whatnot. so... i wonder if i will ever find any more clues to those days?

I know what a sane persons memories should look like or be like. i am sane. i also have done my research and learned such. i know... and i would never wish that horror on another.

its just... how do you even express such things?

thats why if i type in my sleep it comes out all weird. i still have memories that my understanding of is very basic.

my aunt... when i tell her i have those physical scars i am telling her the truth. grandmother left physical scars as well as these types of mental scars.

They should have left us with Momo. pronounced mom-o. she was my godmother and mom's best friend and soul sister. it was like they were born to be sisters. i remember that much from when i was a child and mom was alive.

Sometimes i wonder about the days i cannot remember, the days where if i remember something its literally just... something small. like pocky with nuts and chocolate on it, and smiling at someone. feeling a kind of comradere, trust. acceptance. but, i cannot remember who the people were, just if i really try, small things about them, but not them... just that they were some of the most important people in the world to me.

sometimes, i think about those days that i can't really remember. where even when i try really hard, its all just a haze. i didn't choose that. i never did drugs or drank myself into anything, in fact i didn't even drink. its just... someone did that to me, using doctors and medicine to make me sick and doctors didn't stop that person, they helped her. after awhile... nobody even looks or questions. they just follow and keep doing what has been done. the more years passed, the harder it was to make my voice heard. i remember that much... but...

for whatever reason, these people are important in my heart even still. its weird... isn't it? i can't even really remember them. one of them was gay i know, man outside and woman inside. liked something shiny though i dont' remember what it was that he liked that was shiny. its like that.

That is what my memories are filled with, so what i can recall, the people i can recall i had help recalling. its almost like reading someone elses story. my old diary.

a person who could not even remember her own name without help doing so. a person who used to pause to take time to remember even something to integral as that. i wonder sometimes, how i even survived.

This needs to change, how things work, needs to change. this cannot keep happening to people. if it does, more people will be hurting, more people will have things like this, but not all of them get free to even be able to say what happened and how it felt. not everyone gets the chance to recover and heal from such things. not everyone gets free. some people die in a sort of trapped state that others who have never been their cannot even begin to fathom.

Sometimes i wonder if i will ever find a way to express what happened and how dire the need is that such things stop happening and that people do something about it. Not only when its obvious but in general. to speak up and do something, but also the system itself is so corrupt and needs fixing so badly it ends up doing so much more harm. so... who do you even call at that point? knowing the system is just that fucked up? instead of fixing problems, they cover them up so problems fester all the more, and become bigger.

I wrote this poem and posted it to my deviant art page.

-------

Paper Flowers

Paper flowers have more power than anything,
We have given up all that we were for what we are,

Blood coats the earth,
Flowing by every hearth,
When will the madness kiss be stopped while their are still people left to stop this?

Paper flowers flow from the hands of the liars in all the lands,
We have been taken for all our hearts, for paper flowers of paper flesh

Blood coats the earth,
Flowing by every hearth,
When will the madness kiss be stopped while their are still people left to stop this?

In this land where good must hide in our hearts or tossed aside,
In this land where evil slides, right on ruling while good just dies,

Blood coats the earth,
Flowing by every hearth,
When will the madness kiss be stopped while their are still people left to stop this?

Evil people claim to good, but harmful deeds show where they've stood,
Why must people close their eyes, and let evil people rule their lives?

Blood coats the earth,
Flowing by every hearth,
When will the madness kiss be stopped while their are still people left to stop this?

Paper flowers are the power of those soaked in the cries the have caused with the same hands that bring the paper flowers of our paper dreams so easily burned.

Blood coats the earth,
Flowing by every hearth,
When will the madness kiss be stopped while their are still people left to stop this?

When will paper flowers stop being our madness kiss? 

------------

I sometimes wonder if anyone will ever figure out what this poem means and what its talking about. 

I know what its talking about, and no its not literal. its symbolic and all too true in how this world has been working and how much pain their is and how much actual blood and tears has flown needlessly because of the things that are labeled as help, or right. things that are not right but that are called right. paperwork... rules our lives. in so many ways paper, paperwork or paper money, those things over-rule right and wrong. our Constitution is supposed to be the things that are non negotiable, no acceptions to those. but people have made acceptions for their own benefit. that is why this world is the way it is and so many people just let it happen. 

i always wondered why nobody would make a move to make things better, to change things. at this point, our country is more like a snake eating its own tail. in far too many ways. at some point their is no more tail to consume. at some point the destruction cannot be reversed.

Its a bit weird sometimes, to have clear memories of a sane person and so many years as if i was someone else completely and am simply reading a book and feeling the things that person felt even if sometimes i may or may not know truly why. I mean, can you really know truly why without remembering all the reasons and experiences? I have sane memories and insane memories. Its the insane memories i know are important to express. people need to know what happens, be aware. because when horrible things happen, they think "oh its just this once" "its just an isolated case"... but its not. its like a cock roach. where their is one, their are hundreds if not thousands more just like it.

-Luna 

Arizona Corruption

Within the mental health system, people forget some key things.

Long term effects of medications is one of those things. In many areas of medicine they admit to long term effects, but for whatever reason, not psychiatry. For whatever reason they seem to feel that their is no such thing as long term effects from a medication. Well most of them. A fair few have admitted they know and don't agree with those who act as such. Too few.

My long term effects was trouble with obesity and how like therapy can teach your body good things, negative things from long term medication are also quite possible. For instance, my weight jumps up more easily than others but drops slowly. Its why Ive been taking b vitamins, and so far it seems to be getting better slowly, over time. Maybe one day, i will be like normal on that front. It used to be worse, It used to be that no matter what i did, i could not even lose a single pound. period. before that it was that no matter what i did that i not only couldn't lose weight, but gained it no matter what i did.

I met another girl and we were friends a long time ago, years and years ago before we simply lost contact. She could not feel the pleasure of intercourse. Too many medications over the years had long term effects on her.

Gene has less feeling all over his body, especially his hands, so his gentleness is even more treasured to me. I know how much care he puts into it. He also has some skin issues from it, people don't normally have unless they have been medicated out the ass from a young age.

Some people like me, have more sensitive nerve endings all over. Like how your mom rubs your arm when your little, after a moment, that starts to hurt. It didn't when i was little. It kept being soothing, but after much of what Ive been through in life, you can't rub the same spot on me for too long or you essentially, start rubbing my nerves raw, even if your gentle. I had to pour peroxide on my legs they were so bad, though it wasn't for that. I discovered peroxide dulled the feeling on accident. I did it to thin the hair growth on my legs to make it more manageable for my razor, which worked. Long term effects are that even a couple months later, the feeling in my legs is dulled, to what i presume is normal levels. draw backs are dry skin. some areas are so sensitive that at one point, i couldn't even handle being touched even a little bit, it was just too much feeling for anyone to rightly process. Even with all this, its honestly, not as bad as it used to be. These things are long term effects that take years to heal, but, you can live with them as they do. Its just not easy all the time.
My body also adapted a defense, it processes medications faster than others. I literally was tested hours after being watched take a medication when i was younger, and they tested my blood and said it was no longer in my system and made me undergo all sorts of bodily investigations, putting their hands in my mouth to make sure i didn't have a cavity i hid things in to avoid taking things like some people do, checked my bra, checked my purse, checked the cameras. I mean, these people take things way too far so its been proven quite invasive that i took them and my body adapted growing up, to get rid of those things that weren't good for me. its also how i kept my head later on when they gave me dillusions. They faded about two hours after taking it. Yeah, they checked me too many times. It was... anything but pleasant. Oh and if you bite them, i saw another person get treated for "access aggression" after biting someone who put their hands in the persons mouth. its not like you tell them they can, they just do it. If you don't do it, they say your not taking your medications and make your life hell another way. that person was apparently on court ordered treatment so they held the person down and forced their fingers in to check with the gloves on. To my knowledge they were more careful after that. they aren't supposed to force things like that anyway. its supposedly dangerous to them.

The worst part is that they would tell you that you had a choice, but they did everything in their power, to force your hand so much so, that their was no such choice.

Anyway, I have not been in that situation for awhile. Don't even get me started on when i was a child. It was worse. Grandmother let them do whatever they wanted and even gave suggestions. You have no idea how many times i was flat on my back struggling in peoples arms as they held me down and physically checked my mouth. another girl who made a hole in the side of her mouth to not take the medications because they made her feel sick, they did the same thing to her as they put stitches in her mouth, which apparently wasn't a procedure that needed anesthetic in their eyes.

Their was this one hospital i was in as a child, got closed down. this one i know for sure, i don't know about the others but i know this one was so bad, it was shut down. they used to lock unruly children in a closet with a broken mattress which had springs sticking out of it. You would be locked in their for anywhere from 15 minutes to hours at a time, depending. One of the doctors liked to put children in their just to see what we would do and when i came out unharmed he was disappointed. when one of the younger children came out hurt from the springs, he was gleeful. sick bastard. I was put in their because he kept taking me off my medication and putting me back on it to see what would happen, and i kicked him for putting the younger girl in their. she was put in their for crying for her parents. She was put in their by cps, and was like four years old. Cps was saying she was bipolar. the girl was a quiet girl and nice, i thought she was pretty normal but... i heard the doctors talking. i used to get in trouble for that too. they didn't lock you in all the time, the whole floor we were free to roam pretty much. their were a lot of children, but only three nurses and one doctor that we ever saw. I used to sneak out and listen. It was the only way we knew what was going on really. I hated it. the children brought by cps, they specifically isolated. the little girl for one, she wasn't allowed to play with us. I loved the nurse who stood up and said if she couldn't socialize with the other children then she would call someone about it and they would do something about it. i don't remember much specifics. i just remember that whatever she said, the little girl was finally able to be with the rest of us and not locked up all day all the time. that was another thing. If you broke even one rule and they didn't want to put you in the closet or another child was already in the closet, they made you stay sitting on your bed, all day, the only exception sometimes was to go to lessons for an hour or so, which was a joke. It was playing "where in the world is carmine San Diego" on the computer. a few lil preschool and kindergarten, maybe first grade work sheets, some crosswords, and maybe some coloring or connect the dots. Far from the schooling standards of children.

I found out later in life, this place also treated my ex husband when he was a child. go figure.

Mind you, in that place i figured out how to stay out of trouble just barely, but still irk that doctor for all it was worth. I hated him. I was nine/ten years old, not stupid. Yeah... having a birthday in a mental health facility isn't fun for a child. Not at all. Especially when the children around you were very much normal. well, some of them were drooling in front of the TV or turned to gameboys to escape that the world sucked. only one of them was dangerous at all, and after he pushed a few other children the doctor just medicated him till all he could do was star blankly at the TV, when we talked to him he barely responded.

That hospital was shut down because of the closet. if im not mistaken someone either sued them after a little one got hurt in the closet or someone died and they were investigated and got shut down. unfortunately, in order to get that place shut down, i know from experience what must have had to happen. Also, i heard someone died, someone like that little girl, put their by cps. I still have no idea why they specifically isolated her like that.

I was always worried that it was her that got hurt. I left before she did and it was shut down about six months after i left. The only difference from other children's mental health facilities honestly was simply that they had that closet.

Their was this one other place though that got shut down. kept all the children in their own rooms, but it was shut down because of how many children were molested in the isolated environment and how much they made us all sit still and how we were only allowed to mingle with one another fifteen minutes a day, and otherwise were kept in our rooms and left alone, only seen otherwise to be given medications. I heard from someone i knew who was also their, that it was shut down. Good. Even better for her that her mother was part of the driving force to get them shut down.

The problem i see is this, they keep on doing horrible things to people and using such things to justify what they do.

For some things, their is no justification.

That wasn't treatment, that was torchure for children or adults in many ways. You don't put an adult in a room with broken springs sticking out of a bed, mentally all their or not, let alone a child of any age.

This is Arizona for you, and part of the reason many people who live here, leave.

I know too many people who refer to this as "a shit hole" because of the things that go on, with cps, with the mental health system, with the 'justice system'... its literally you are screwed and people with power abuse it all too often.

you can be raped in jail and ignored if you speak up, you can be raped in a mental health facility, forced to have your hair cut in such facilities. you can be forced to have your body altered like grandmother did to me when she had that dental work done to make my teeth less sharp.

Their are innumerable things that people get away with in this state that they shouldn't, that no decent person would ever do and no decent person would ever let them do or get away with.

I guess, thats why so many people leave after having been through something like that out here or seeing someone they love go through it and trying to help them.

So... i never understand the people who move here.

Like they say when a girl in an anime is underage and she is being sexual in any way while looking older or is a boy dressed like a girl or a girl dressed like a boy, "its a trap" i think they say the same thing about jail bait who says they are older than they are to sleep with older people too.

Anyway... it looks appealing to people with chronic pain or family in Mexico, but its not good at all if you have a family. your guaranteed to be harassed by cps at least once or twice in this state. they don't take your children based on abuse in this state, they take it based on "can i get away with it" to make themselves look like they are actually doing something worthwhile while leaving the ones who could benefit from help of some sort alone. Mind you, the job of social workers was originally supposed to be to offer resources to help families better care for their children. It was not originally what it is today. It was originally created to help keep families together and healthy, now its just a massive cesspool of evil and a child trade fest. They have specific groups of people they target, in my state, if you have a mental health history and they know someone wants a child or children like yours, and you don't have the money to pay for a lawyer and will end up with a court appointed lawyer, your fucked. Your exactly the kind of person they like to target. From what i was able to find, cps didn't always have the power to take your children away from you. It went downhill when they were granted that power.

In all honesty, i wish they would burn to the ground and that the families ripped apart would be put back together the way they freaking found them, instead of this farce.

Mind you, everyone gets paid for their part in this accept the children and the parents. its basically one giant scam.
 

Even with the effects of the medications, i would have benefited from more hugs and human contact, not less like i was most of the time. That dearies though, is how the system works.

 

Also, a mother lost her child recently, because of a traffic ticket. taken at birth after being incarcerated for a night, and forcing her to have her baby before labor happened naturally, so they could take her child.

• They really do pick any reason if they can get away with it.

   
• oh joy... and now they are getting court orders to have women forced to have caesarians and steal their babies before they are even supposed to be born. if they want to, they even have you cut open to take your baby from within, on the basis of mental health. and no, it doesn't have to be something big. they sometimes have the tiniest reasons for saying someone is mentally ill. most of the time, the person is pretty damned normal. they do it because they can get away with it. because people don't really stop them.

   

  They can do it even if they have the tiniest concern. its a tyranny that has in our human history started wars, the decimation of families. I can't say that i hope one doesn't start. To be honest, i kinda hope for something to end this madness.

   
•  They can argue you think things you don't think, just make it up, and its like "how do i even argue when its my own thoughts we are arguing?" something they shouldn't be able to have any claim to unless they are claiming to be mind readers. its kinda like the Salem witch trials only a hell lot bigger and a lot more people involved. kinda like... the crusades. only instead of killing people, though people have died, many people have died(like the father who died stopping them from taking his son, and children who die in their care, as well as others like the senator who died literally the night before she was supposed to take things national about what they have been doing to people). They think up the most ridiculous things, and in front of a judge. your powerless. but of course, you get told justice will be served and it will all work out in the end. But for whom? we live in a world where evil wins with people who don't seem to want to change that, and who seem to think evil is religion that isn't their own. No. evil is when someone harms another, and evil is when others make excuses to not help stop evil when it happens. Evil, is evil. Good is helping people, period. Good is, not standing off to the side and making excuses. To me, if you need religion to tell you what is good or evil, your as bad as the people who killed my dad because he wasn't christian, because he was different than them. The world we live in, is full of evil but not in the way overzealous religious folks think. its in the actions of those around you, regardless of religion, but then again, so is good. regardless of religion. most Christians Ive known, assume im like them for one reason, because they are taught that good people are Christians and bad people are everyone else. Gene knew better, was shown better by someone. Most people don't. they forget that to allow harms or inflict them on another human being, regardless of our differences or lack thereof and regardless of wreather or not you even like them, is in itself evil.

   
• Religion doesn't make you good or evil, you do. what you do in this life, does.

Past

I know very well the past may not come out as something flattering... at the same time...

http://truemoons-wierdface.blogspot.com

Is my old blog. Everything from my old deviant art account to my old YouTube account is on that.

Please keep in mind. I felt so crazy I was literally looking for it too... felt crazy. Was looking for it.

I didn't find it.

I couldn't find a problem that doesn't exist.

I have since learned many things about what they are supposed to do and haven't done.

I used to keep a video blog and all that... I took down videos my lawyer told me to because they documented abuse inflicted while not in my care. I now know the laws cuz I have been studying.

I have dwindled my goals in life to something rather simple.

Be my children's mother, one day I will be a lawyer, already an artist and always will be, sing, dance, live, love, and one day also I will start that little holistic shop.

Everyday people grow and change... but I have been sane this entire time.

Doesn't matter.

I have learned some nifty things.

For instance, they broke a lot of rules. I also learned, people look at you as bad before they think if your speaking up.

I know however that sooner or later the truth comes out, which is why i wrote that blog in the first place.

Had some phone issues... parent aid was always saying she called me and I called her and it didn't show up on her missed calls at all. No idea what was going on their so in that post... I am not nuts. lol

I didn't know what I was allowed or not allowed to post.

I do now.

So long as it doesn't give up names, locations, or otherwise jeopardize the safety of anyone, I can basically say anything I want. Period. Telling me speaking up was a stupid thing for my old lawyer to tell me, especially since I don't handle silence or being silenced well at all.

http://auroralalune.deviantart.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/AuroraLalune?feature=mhee

My YouTube Channel as of current. My old gmail got hacked and I left everything behind. My old deviant page and my old YouTube can be found through my old blog at the top. I often linked them. 

http://avoidingabuse.blogspot.com/

The last one is a blog that has only got 3 entries. It does however, say a lot in those. I made it to hopefully help others. I will go back to it later and do more in detail. However it is about abuse and avoiding it and getting out if your in it.

I know many things I did not know then.

This entire situation is insane.

I also just learned that since an Ombudsman is finally listening to me and working with me the family advocacy office won't touch me. Wonderful. -sarcasm.

I got the number for the district people and called them... hey. If calling supervisors and program managers doesn't work and Ombudsman don't scar am and Lawyers are slow as molasses and more interested in covering their ass and not pissing off the judge...

Hell. I admit it. I went and got the number for the judicial commission. She has a total lack of impartiality too many times and I will do whatever it takes and take down whoever I have to for my kids.

It has made me question my status as a wiccan.

Yet I still am.

I have been kept up to date and informed on nothing. I learn it all when I walk into that court room.

I have received no help accept transport and supervision for the kids and am left to find my own resources for anything else. I have found this is not what is supposed to be. Especially as they are claiming I am crazy and lack understanding.

I will be blunt.

Few things in life are more horrifying than saying one thing and having another written. Few things are as horrifying as having someone write whatever they want about you and not even having to back it up in court for the judge to say the court finds it enough. They did no services. Their was nothing. It was just "your crazy. you think your cat is a person, we are taking your kids." Threats to sign paperwork... the works.

My old lawyer stood up in court as well as the guardian at litem and testified I hadn't been threatened after i told them I had. I was being threatened, with my children's safety and well-being, with not being able to see them. That was the beginning of the case.

I posted for one reason.

Because whats on the internet is never truly lost even if you delete it.

Someday... someone will listen and things will change.

Purhaps my old blog will help someone else say "see, this has happened before" and anothers voice will not be silenced.

Either way, If I go down, they go with me.

I am not going to shoot them up to resort to violence...

Because what I seek is to cease them from harming me or others. What I do will have a much more lasting effect. It may not take at first but... I am well aware of the hows and how to respond. i am also well aware of many things regarding such. I am aware that sooner or later people will see it and listen.

My financial situation is still dire but I have everything I need even if I do need help sometimes. I am very grateful for those who help and... can't say thankyou enough as a matter of fact.

I have been left alone to handle this too many times.

I have PTSD.

"I don't think my cat is a person. I don't have 24 personalities. I don't have psychosis and my doctor knows that too!"

"We are not saying you have Psychosis! We are saying you need help for your dillusions."


Let me clarify how stupid that bitch was.

That was an actual conversation in the beginning.

For those of you who don't know- Psychosis is literally dillusions, multiple personalities, altered thoughts, altered reality though dillusions, etc etc.... Basically it defines you as psychotic in some way shape or form.

I have PTSD.

The spectrum of my symptoms doesn't even touch Psychosis accept that I must remember a time a little girl who wasn't crazy was put on so many medications she was made such. Thats what I CAN remember. The sane mind isn't meant to comprehend the insane.

Its like reliving my past all over again.

I say one thing, another is written. I say I am not crazy and nobody freaking listens!

Now I finally am beginning to get some listening... but... this is successfully a traumatic and horrifying experience and unfortunately. It isn't over yet.

They still refuse to get back to me, resources... no help i ask for is given...

And when I insisted on paperwork my Lawyer stopped talking to me.

I only really post openly on the internet when i don't feel like I am being heard. Because my PTSD is partially connected to not being heard. its either go into x amount of flashbacks and feelings connected to the past and start crying all useless puddle of emotional mush... or do something about it.

I choose do something about it and if anyone else reads and doesn't like it... look into it. I guarantee you won't like what you see but at least you will know what you are seeing and won't sound like a dumbass saying you don't like it and why. Cuz their are those who will stand up and either let you sound like a moron until someone tells you or they will tell you and make you feel worse. Look into it first.

I am only now getting listened to at all.

-Luna
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PS: The past doesn't scare me.  I face it every day. Its the future that I fear, the things fear do to people, the ways people may react to me... because experience tells me that's what they will do.
I am on an Antidepressant because the past I live with is too big a burden to carry alone. It tore at me with the current situation at hand until I was so far into depression... so yes.
The past doesn't scare me. Only facing it alone. When your facing the past with others and can trust them, your not standing in a lonely and isolated past anymore... now are you. The future is also a better prospect when instead of walking it alone your walking with others towards the same unknown.

I take antidepressants because they were a last resort.

I am not afraid of my past.

I lived it, got through it once and re live it every fucking day with flashbacks.

It is either face it or be overcome by it.

I face it.

I have had this PS in my head all damned day.

Be Blessed(no this isn't wrong way-its a way I say it so as not to alienate my friends of different beliefs-it seems people are more comfortable with this version)

 -Luna